My Confession

I watched it on live t.v. Will Smith slapping Chris Rock. I gasped in shock and sat in confusion thinking that they had just pulled off a comedic bit that definitely surprised us all. Then quickly it seemed it wasn’t a bit at all but actually real. My response is something I’m not proud of. The words that came out of my mouth were, “Someone get me some popcorn because I’m gonna be watching all the news outlets to watch this play out!” My reaction after the shock was that this was funny and entertaining and finally someone was standing up to how our physical appearances as women are so often picked apart.

Our reactions and decisions are windows.

The following day a sadness started to settle on me. I kept seeing the video being replayed over and over and over again. I was sad for Rock’s family seeing him humiliated. I was sad that we’ve applauded for so long jokes relating to a woman’s appearance not only from comedians like Rock but from so many others. I was sad that Smith chose violence to address the wrong. I was sad that he didn’t apologize when he had the mic and speak to the wrong they both were in. I was sad thinking about those that have suffered from violence and their abuser excuse it because just like Smith said, “love makes a person do crazy things”. And then the memes started and videos of people reenacting the assault for laughs. The sadness started to make my stomach turn.

Our reactions and decisions are windows.

So I asked this question. What was that initial reaction I had to the assault saying about me? About what was inside of me or what was lacking? I’m still processing this but here’s where those questions have led me.

I could watch what happened and laugh because I wasn’t seeing those involved as people. I saw actors. I saw entertainers, characters whose singular job it was to please me and wisp me away into some over the top, larger than life big screen story that I would later get to critique. I saw elites and privileged. I did not see people, a person, a human being, a soul. I didn’t see those involved as actual living, breathing, blood flowing through their veins, people. 

Our reactions and decisions are windows.

I asked again. What else was my reaction to this revealing? I saw an aspect of myself. Rock, in a way, embodied hurt from others. Those that have said hurtful things to me or about me. Those that have hurt my kids or my husband. Situations that were unjust. And Will, did, what at times, I wanted to do but by the grace of God, did not.

Our reactions and decisions are windows.

My next question? What does this awareness do for me?
Well, it reminds me that I’m still growing. And so I’m taking the posture of sitting at the Lord's feet as He receives my confession, forgives me and starts to massage those places of my heart and thinking that are in need of molding more into His image.

What’s my next step? To look at what I can learn from what happened. Opportunities for much needed conversations, awareness and growth. How can we learn to manage anger healthier? Are we really too sensitive now or have we been so desensitized for so long that this space of empathizing is incredibly foreign and feels weak or “too sensitive”? What parts of the old standard are worth bringing with us as we continue our communal journey and which have we learned to do better? So now we can be better.

Like I said, I’m still processing but I wanted to share a glimpse of the contemplative journey. And that yes, although I’m a Spiritual Growth Coach, I’m on this journey as well. Learning to do better and working towards being better.

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